Philosopher Stone: The Abridged Series!
by Haruko Kurimasu
Summary: Trenchcoat, along with the Narrator and Catalyst, commentate and give humorous comments on the book that started a fasinating sensation in the writing world!
1. The Boy Who Vanished The Glass

****

Chapter 1: The Boy Who Vanished the Glass

HK: "Greetings, readers! This is Haruko Kurimasu, aka HK, coming back at ya with a new and exciting parody!"

Trenchcoat: "(grumble grumble)"

HK: "Straighten up, soldier! _-whacks Trenchcoat with signature tennis racket-_"

Trenchcoat: "HEY! What was that for?!"

HK: "No poutin' while on the clock, Trenchcoat! Now stay sharp! You want to make a good impression, don't ya?!"

Trenchcoat: "Alright, alright! Jeez! By the way, were are we?"

HK: "Fufufu. Good question."

Trenchcoat: "You mean we're lost?!"

HK's tennis racket: "WHACK!"

Trenchcoat: "Ouch!"

HK: "We ain't lost! We're currently travelling through the Inter-Dimensional Path of Animated and Fictional Worlds!"

Trenchcoat: "Which means...?"

HK's tennis racket: "WHACK!"

Trenchcoat: "Yeeouch!"

HK: "The IDPAFW is what connects all otakus, fanfictions, anime, manga, and all types of Japanese goodness together! Don't ya know your history lessons?!"

Catalyst: "For a party-goer, you sure are clueless."

Trenchcoat: "Well, I use a longer route to get arou-- WHOA! Who are you?!"

Catalyst: "Catalyst September-Connors."

Trenchcoat: "Look here, Four-Eyes! What kind of name is 'Catalyst'?!"

Catalyst: "It is simply a word to sepparate myself from another's existance."

Trenchcoat: "...You're a strange oddball, you know that?!"

HK: "WHACK!"

Trenchcoat: "Ow ow ow!"

HK: "No insulting the other OCs!"

Trenchcoat: "OC...? --Wait, YOU created this prick?!"

HK's tennis racket: "WHACK!"

Trenchcoat: "I'm bleeding! Jeez!"

HK: "It'll heal, so stop complaining! Hmm, I've just got an idea..."

Trenchcoat: "(...Crap...)"

HK: "Catalyst, how is your schedule?"

Catalyst: "Well, it's pretty much open, except for Book Reading Thursdays. Why?"

HK: "Well, how about every other day, you help Mr. Clueless here with these parodies?"

Trenchcoat: "WHAT?!"

Catalyst: "Hmm... I'm not quite sure this arrangement would be suitable."

HK: (whisper whisper) I'll lend you my Whacking Wand..."

Trenchcoat: "Whacking Wand?! What the hell is th--"

Catalyst: "Then I accept."

Trenchcoat: "--at...? You're cruel, HK, you know that?"

HK: "Fufufu, indeed!"

Trenchcoat: "...You hate me, your own OC... .................... RUN AWAY!"

Catalyst: "Oh my, he seems to be at full throttle..."

HK: "NOT SO FAST! _-pulls on mysterious lever, causing the trapdoor underneath their feet to give way-_"

Catalyst: "Wrong switch, Haruko."

HK: "Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppppp..........................!!!"

* * *

THUMP!

HK: "Oww, where are we?"

Catalyst: "We seem to be on some sort of street. Quite dark, though. I wonder why all of the streetlamps are out?"

HK: "Streetlamps? Out? Wait a second..."

Catalyst: "I feel like I've seen this scenario before."

HK: "Yes, yes we have! Do you hear that orchestrated tune?!"

Catalyst: "There seems to also be an oddly dressed old man coming our way as well."

HK: "Hehehehehehehehe...."

Catalyst: "What's so humorous, Haruko?"

HK: "Well, I was gonna force Trenchcoat into a _Tokyo Mew Mew_ parody to torture him with his morals of dating under-aged, skantily-dressed preteens, but this'll be twice as fun!"

Catalyst: "Why so?"

HK: "Trenchcoat hates books! He's only into 2D or highly-rendered polygon women from Japanese fiction!"

Catalyst: "I'll never understand how some people can go through life without a good book and a cup of tea..."

* * *

Dumbledore: "Ah, hello, Professor."

McGonagall: "What gave me away?"

Dumbledore: "Because you've already transformed back into a human, my dear Minerva. Plus, that cat behind you looks even more stern than you."

McGonagall: "I see your point."

Dumbledore: "Oh, sorry. _-tucks wand away into his pocket- _Now, what were we talking about?"

McGonagall: "Well, not much, actually. We did come to discuss the Potters."

Trenchcoat: "BOOR-ING!"

McGonagall: "What was that?!"

Dumbledore: "Alas, a Muggle has overheard us. I thought they were all indoors at this time of night."

Trenchcoat: "WHAT?! Who are you calling a 'Mugshot', ya old geezer?!"

Dumbledore: "Ho ho ho! Am I the only one amused at this?"

McGonagall: "Apparantly so."

HK: "There you guys are!"

Rokujou, the Angry Cat: "Kurimasu! What are you doing here?!"

HK: "Lost on the IDPAFW, Rokujou."

Rokujou: "Hmph. And just when I thought I could take a vacation away from you morons, I spot Talvis trying to shirk his duties!"

Trenchcoat: "I would've been fine if Four-Eyes weren't here! The freakin' guy and his creepy speech..."

Catalyst: "It's unfair to critize those who actually _read_..."

Dumbledore: "Oh my, here comes Hagrid with young Harry now!"

McGonagall: "-What? Do you think that's safe? And he's hear a little early."

Dumbledore: "My dear Minerva, I can summarize our entire (now deleted) coversation as such. Lily and James Potter are dead because of the attack by Lord Voldemort, but little Harry, their infant son, miraculously survived. The reasons for being able to live will not be revealed until the final chapter of the novel, and the somewhat cliched reasoning of Voldemort to kill a small baby won't be ever be announced until Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts."

McGonagall: "You put a lot of thought into this, didn't you?"

Dumbledore: "Indeed I did. My plan will backfire somewhat, due to the fact that I forgot to take into account a fifteen-year-old's hormonal rage and anger."

Hagrid: "Here's Harry Professor!"

Dumbledore: "Good good. Now to leave him with the Dursleys, his only living relatives, who hapen to be magic-hating Muggles."

McGonagall: "W-What?! You can't be serious, Albus! These Muggles will stereotype all non-magic folk terribly!"

Dumbledore: "Sadly, yes. But it must be done."

Hagrid: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

* * *

Trenchcoat: "What the hell happened?"

Catalyst: "We call that a 'Prologue'. Actually, it was titled 'Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived'."

Trenchcoat: "Not that! I mean, we're inside a house now!"

Catalyst: "Ah, of course..."

Trenchcoat: "What's THAT supposed to mean?!"

_Narrator: "And so, ten long years past in Privet Drive. Harry was almost eleven years old, 1991."_

Trenchcoat: "Oh, great! Who are you now?!"

_Narrator: "I am the Narrator, here to chronicle the lives of the_ _characters in whatever particular parody I happen to come across!"_

Trenchcoat: "What's with the italics then?"

_Narrator: "That's my power! I conceal myself from the world with these convienent italics so I don't disrupt the ongoing events!"_

Catalyst: "But why can we see and hear you?"

_Narrator: "My power does not apply to OCs, spectacled-one!"_

Catalyst: "Ah, I see..."

Aunt Petunia: "WAKE UP!!!"

_Narrator: "Harry was soon woken up by his Aunt Petunia."_

Trenchcoat: "No (BEEP!), Sherlock."

Cid: "DON'T (BEEPING!) STEAL MY (BEEPING!) (BEEPS!)"

HK: "Back to Advent Children Abridged, you!"

Cid: "(BEEP!)"

Catalyst: "?"

* * *

Dudley: "THIRTY-SIX! BUT I HAD THIRTY-SEVEN LAST YEAR!"

Trenchcoat: "Ugh, who's the, er, little pork bun here?"

Aunt Petunia: "We'll get you two more, sweetums!"

Harry: "..."

Uncle Vernon: "Comb you hair, boy!"

Trenchcoat: "And the point of this scene is...?"

_Narrator: "For ten miserable years, Harry was (reluctantly) raised by his horrible aunt and uncle, along with their outrageous fat son, Dudley."_

Trenchcoat: "Dudley...? OH! You mean, like, Dudley the Dragon?!"

Catalyst: "(sigh) Yes, Trenchcoat, exactly. Just like the dragon..."

* * *

Dudley: "This snake is boooooring. (walks away)"

Trenchcoat: "Whoa, scene switch! Where are we now?!"

_Narrator: "For Dudley's birthday, the Dursleys brought him to zoo. Harry had to come, due to the mad old lady neighbour unable to take him in for the day."_

Trenchcoat: "Hey, how about just telling us stuff in advance instead of narrating! This is creeping me out..."

Catalyst: "'Us'? Don't categorize me wth yourself. I'm well aware of the events that are unfolding. I have read the book multiple times, and have viewed the film a great deal over the past eight years since its release."

Trenchcoat: "You're... a FANBOY! Get away, I don't want your geeky, senseless germs!"

Catalyst: "I'm NOT a fanboy. I'm entirely different from a mere _fanboy._ Fanboys are lifeless drones who have nothing better to do than say 'MY CHARAACTERZ TEH BESTEST LULZ' and start flame wars on the various gaming forums."

34573638362657 Fanboys: "YOUZ A N00B! LULZ!!!"

Catalyst: "I believe I made my point."

* * *

Harry: "Hello. Even though I believe you cannot understand a word I'm saying, due to the fact you're a snake and this thick pane of glass between us, I know how you feel. Er, somewhat."

Brazilian Snake: "WINK."

Dudley: "ZOMG IT'S DOING SOMETHING! (punches Harry aside)"

Pane of Glass: "WHOOSH!"

Dudley: "AHHHHHH! (falls through into snake display)"

Brazilian Snake: "Thankssss."

* * *

Uncle Vernon: "HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU MAKE THAT GLASS DISAPPEAR?!"

Trenchcoat: "Pssh. He acts like that black-haired kid is a wizard or something!"

.......................................................................................

Trenchcoat: "What?!"

Catalyst: "You swear you've NEVER picked up a Harry Potter book in your life?"

Trenchcoat: "Why would I?!"

Catalyst: "I feels the dregs of irony swirling about you, Trenchcoat."

Harry: "I swear it was like magic!"

* * *

_Narrator: "And so, our young hero Harry is faced with unreasonable questions with even more unreasonable answers! Next time, on Philosopher Stone Abridged!"_

Trenchcoat: "We're still going along with this?!"

Catalyst: "The best has yet to come."

Trenchcoat: "For you, maybe."

_**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING RELATED. I ALSO DO NOT OWN CID HIGHWIND AND HIS INFERIOUS SWEARING HABITS. BUT I DO OWN MY OC'S, TALVIS REN COATES (TRENCHCOAT), ROKUJOU THE ANGRY CAT, CATALYST SEPTEMBER-CONNORS, AND THE NARRATOR.**_


	2. Letters From the Keeper of Diagon Alley

**Chapter 2: Letters From The Keeper of Diagon Alley**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING RELATED. I ALSO DO NOT OWN FINAL FANTASY VII (THAT'S MENTIONED IN THIS CHAPTER). I OWN ALL OC CHARACTERS APPEARING, HOWEVER.**

HK: "Welcome, my fellow wizards and Muggles, to the second instalment of Philosopher Stone Abridged!"

Catalyst: "Haruko, if you let me be so kind to point out something…"

HK: "Hmm?"

Catalyst: "It seems to me that you're setting this parody up much like Anonymius of . For example, you have OCs, such as myself, commentating on the humorous events of the parody. You even have a Narrator that speaks in italics!

_Narrator: "Yeah, but it's my secret power!" _

HK: "Ho ho! So you have INDEED noticed that, Catalyst, and you're absolutely correct! I happen to be a fan of Anonymius, and simply wish to parrot his style a tiny bit. Plus, it's a lot of fun!"

Trenchcoat: "Even though you haven't gotten a SINGLE review?!"

HK: "Hey, this isn't Final Fantasy VII here, where my fictionous fame is a bit more obvious in that category!"

Catalyst: "Wait, there's one coming right now. _–owl flies in, clutching a scroll-"_

_Wow. I admit, I was confused about how this is related to Harry Potter, but now I think I get it… Kinda. Nevermind that, it was hilarious -Loonynamelass_

HK: "Heh heh, sorry about that, Loonynamelass. But thanks for reviewing anyway! Actually, it's quite hard to parody Harry Potter. It was easy with Final Fantasy VII, but—"

Final Fantasy VII: "HEY!"

* * *

Uncle Vernon: "Get the mail!"

Harry: "(walks over to the letter slot) Hum hum hum… Bill, bill, more bills, letter for me, bill, bi—wait a second!"

Harry: "(goes back and hands all of the other mail to Uncle Vernon)"

Uncle Vernon: "Bill, bill, more bills, letter for Harry over there, bill, bi—WAIT A SECOND! (snatches letter from Harry) A HA!"

Aunt Petunia: "What is it?"

Harry: "Hey, that's mine!"

Uncle Vernon: "Pfft, as if ANYONE in there right minds would waste breath on a stupid boy like you, or in this case, ink! Ha ha ha… Oh…"

Harry: "Give it back!"

Uncle Vernon (face changing colors): "Er, um, this isn't for you at all, boy! Must've, er, put the wrong name on it… Or something…"

Harry: "But it's got my cupboard on the address!"

Uncle Vernon: "Liar! There are plenty of boys in Britain who live in cupboards!"

Trenchcoat: "There is?"

Catalyst: "(sigh)"

* * *

Aunt Petunia: "What if they try to contact him again?!"

Uncle Vernon: "Oh, I very much doubt it, dear."

Aunt Petunia: "How can you be so sure?!"

Uncle Vernon: "It's like how the old saying goes, 'If first you don't succeed, give up and never try again!'"

Trenchcoat: "I thought it was 'try, try again?'"

Uncle Vernon: "Don't go putting ideas into _their_ heads!"

Aunt Petunia: "Who are you talking to, dear?"

Uncle Vernon: "Who?! HA! Must be one of their tricks! But WE don't fall for them, will we?"

Aunt Petunia: "I guess not…"

Trenchcoat: "Wait, he heard me but couldn't see me?!"

_Narrator: "I guess my power also extends to other OCs too! Not sure about the hearing voices part, but what the hey!"_

* * *

_Narrator: "After an eventful week of odd bits of letters making their way into number four, Sunday came, and is apparently the best day of the week!"_

Uncle Vernon: "Heheheheheheheheheheh….."

Dudley: "Daddy, why's your eye twitching?"

Uncle Vernon: "Hehehehehehehehe— OUCH!"

Letter: "WHACK!"

Harry: "Hooray! Tornado of letters addressed to me! Must-catch-ONE!"

Uncle Vernon: "NO! I must stop my wife's estranged sister's son from learning of his true identity which I've been burden with for the past decade about!"

Harry: "Wait, true identity?"

Uncle Vernon: "Forget I ever said anything! We're going on a trip!"

Dudley: "Will there be television?"

Uncle Vernon: "No!"

Aunt Petunia: "Contact with the outside world?"

Uncle Vernon: "Of course not!"

Harry: "You know, if you just let me read my letter, then this mysterious person would stop disrupting your lives!"

Uncle Vernon: "Even though you may be right, I will ignore you anyway, because I loathe you!"

_Narrator: "To the Mugglemobile!"_

* * *

Harry: "Well, it's my eleventh birthday, and I'm being treated worse than dirt."

Door: "BOOM."

Harry: "What the—?!"

Door: "CRASH!"

Trenchcoat: "Hey, I dozed off. What's happe— HOLY (BEEP!), WHO'S THAT?!"

Catalyst: "I always loved this part of the book. It's stormy and miserable weather, making it an excellent opportunity to make a nice mug of hot cocoa…"

Trenchcoat: "There's a frickin' maniac coming in here! He's gonna KILL US ALL!!!"

Catalyst: "Be quiet and watch, won't you?"

Hagrid: "Hello there!"

Uncle Vernon: "Petunia, it's a maniac! He's going to KILL US ALL!!!"

Trenchcoat: "Don't steal my line, pal!"

Uncle Vernon: "Devilish tricks they're using, trying to make us go MAD!"

Trenchcoat: "You've already gone loopy!"

Hagrid: "That bodiless voice is right! And yes, my accent is missing lol."

Uncle Vernon: "Leave us once!"

Hagrid: "Oh ho ho! Not until Harry learns about the mysterious origins of his scar!"

Harry: "How is a car crash mysterious?!"

Hagrid: "CAR CRASH?! No no no, car crashes don't kill wizards, especially Lily and James Potter!"

Trenchcoat: "Are they ninjas then?"

Catalyst: "Well, according to The Harry Potter Lexicon, wizards can sustain serious injuries without getting themselves killed like regular Muggles."

Harry: "Wait, wizards?"

Hagrid: "Whoops, let that one slip out. Yeah, you're a wizard Harry. And if we want to get into specifics, you're a half-blood, because your mother was a Muggle-born, which completely rules out your aunt being a Squib, so drop it, Squib-Petunia supporters!"

Squib-Petunia Supporters: "But... we don't really exist..."

Harry: "What's a Squib? What does Muggle mean? AND I'M A WIZARD?!?!?!?!"

Hagrid: "Yes, a wizard. Pretty cool, eh? Well, you won't learn about Squibs until next year. But Muggles--"

Uncle Vernon: "STOP! I must delay the inevitable by continuously interrupting you!"

Harry: "This is making me even more curious by the second!"

Uncle Vernon: "Ah, phooey. Petunia, why don't you go on your little rave about that sister of yours that you pretend doesn't exist?"

Aunt Petunia: "Very well then! I didn't really hate Lily, I was just jealous that she went off to Hogwarts and left me behind, because we used to be so close. Anyway, I wrote to Headmaster Dumbledore and asked if I could attend—"

Umbridge (breaking the fourth wall): _"Hem hem."_

Aunt Petunia: "I mean, I loathed her with every fibre in my body because she became my parents' favourite and married James Potter and had you! Then she blew up or something."

Trenchcoat: "Whoa, what a way to get something off of your chest in so few words!"

Hagrid: "Well, none of that matters now, because Harry is still going to go to Hogwarts!"

Uncle Vernon: "Oh no he WON'T!"

Hagrid: "Oh yes he will!"

Harry: "Why don't you just let me go? You hate having me around, and this way, you can get rid of me for a solid ten months!"

Uncle Vernon: "Because I thought abusing you in our home for the past decade would squash out that nonsense! And I don't like the sound of this Dumbledore guy! He sounds too fair and nice to children!"

Hagrid's Umbrella: "WHOOSH!"

Dudley: "OMG I got a tail!"

* * *

Harry: "It was all a dream… Oh, wait, nevermind."

Hagrid: "Wakey wakey! We're going to Diagon Alley!"

Harry: "One question: How did you get to this Hut, anyway?"

Hagrid: "Flew."

Harry: "But how?!"

Hagrid: "I have no idea. Anyway, let's use this boat, even though there will be no way for the Muggles to get back to shore whatsoever!"

Harry: "But how will they get back to Little Whinging in time for the next movie/book? Who will bring me to Platform Nine and Three Quarters? And how do I even know about this platform when you haven't even mentioned it yet?"

Hagrid: "Well, we'll go the film route, and I'll drop you off without giving you specific instructions on how to get on the train!"

Harry: "…Fair enough."

* * *

Quirrell: "P-P-P-Po-t-t-ter! H-H-How n-n-nice t-t-t—!"

Harry: "Is he always this nervous?"

Hagrid: "Yeah, and for reasons never explained to the rest of the staff, he's been this way long enough for us to get used to it."

Catalyst: "Now that I think about it, his stuttering is nothing compared to Chloe Saunders!"

Trenchcoat: "Huh? Who?"

Catalyst: "Are you telling me that you don't even bother to read the latest fictional materials?"

_Narrator: "It's called the Darkest Powers series! I love that book! So many superpowers! Oooh, I get goosebumps at the thought! Wheee!"_

Trenchcoat: "Wait, is it about the one with the sparkly v—"

Catalyst and HK: "NO!"

* * *

Hagrid: "Well, well take the film route again, and ignore your other shopping needs by buying your magic wand!"

Harry: "Magic wand? It's not going to be some lame cop-out of wand that's just a squiggly tree stick?"

Hagrid: "I think you've watched too many of those Muggle programs on those fele-versions, Harry."

Harry: "Actually, the Dursleys don't seem to own a TV until the third film."

* * *

Ollivander: "I've been wondering when I'd be seeing you, Mr Potter."

Trenchcoat: "Did he just call him 'Mr'?"

Catalyst: "I'm amazed that you would pick up on such an unnecessary detail, _Mr_ Talvis."

Trenchcoat: "Well, wouldn't you normally call unmarried, male minors Mas— HEY! DON'T CALL ME THAT! Talvis was my old man's name!"

Catalyst: "Your surname is Coates, isn't it?"

Trenchcoat: "Yeah, so?"

* * *

_Narrator: "After two unsuccessful wand trials –yes, just two in the film!- Harry finds his perfect match!"_

Ollivander: "Yes, curious."

Harry: "How's this curious? Don't all appropriate wands glow for their rightful masters, complete with breeze and lighting effects?"

Ollivander: "Actually, it's because the tail feather in your wand came from same phoenix that gave the brother feather in You-Know-Who's wand! Who, by the way, gave you that oddly-shaped scar!"

Harry: "…Oh. Actually, that's quite unsettling."

Ollivander: "He did great things. Terrible, but great."

Trenchcoat: "And WHY is he praising this, uh, You-Know-Who?"

Catalyst: "I think that would boggle the minds of anyone who would entertain that question."

_Narrator: "Did anyone see Goblet of Fire? Apparently he's telekinetic!"_

Catalyst: "I'm sorry, Narrator, but I believe he used the Imperius Curse with his wand."

_Narrator: "No no! I'm talking about after he performed the Cruciatus Curse on Harry! He lifted him up telekinetically with his hand!"_

Trenchcoat: "Yeesh, this could take a while…"

* * *

FOUR HOURS LATER

Catalyst: "The movie must be safely assumed to be non-canon. Therefore, He Who Must Not Be Named cannot be telekinetic. Or pyrokinetic, judging from the duel between him and Dumbledore when he uses fire tongue magic."

_Narrator: "Didn't Mr. Stephen King come up with the term 'pyrokinetic'?"_

Catalyst: "I believe so. Why?"

_Narrator: "Well in terms of canon superpowers in sci-fi shows, that one's pretty non-canon!"_

Catalyst: "And your point?"

_Narrator: "Well, if you put a non-canon power into a non-canon scene of a film such as the Harry Potter franchise, then those two non-canons will cancel each other out, thus making it CANON!"_

Catalyst: "…I can hardly see how something that doesn't even exist in the first place can fall into the category of common logic."

Narrator: "Ah, but see here, Catalyst--!"

Trenchcoat: "You guys still arguing about this?!"

Catalyst: "Debating, Talvis, debating."

Trenchcoat: "Same dif."

Narrator: "Oh my! Where's Harry gone off to?"

Trenchcoat: "He left four hours ago while you and pretty boy were—"

Catalyst: "He left?"

Trenchcoat: "Yeah, that's what I said!"

_Narrator: "Oh no! The next chapter's already occurring! Shuffle along! We're gonna be late for the traaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnn!!!"_

Trenchcoat: "T-Train? I HATE TRAINS!!!"

Catalyst: "Well, we don't get to fly via car until the next book, Talvis."

Trenchcoat: "What? Flying car?"


End file.
